It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
