Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
