either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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