You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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