it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
