i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
