News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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