From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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