I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
