I faked an abortion last night.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
