Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
