God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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