I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
