Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
