Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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