Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
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I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
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He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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