dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
