also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
two words: eviction party
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
