I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
