Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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