I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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