I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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