Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
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Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
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Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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