Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
