Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
