My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
