my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
