I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
