Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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