just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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