Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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