i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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