i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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