erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
