dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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