I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
