____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
