I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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