You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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