my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
