You made me cry and you don't even care
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
