dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
