Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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