Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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