i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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