i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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