just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
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I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
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Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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