apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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