If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
