Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
