Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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