He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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