I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The Olympian is in my bed
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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