Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Randomize
